Summary: Some folks may recall from a while back that my neighbor had been playing shiurim in the middle of the night to drown out the sound of any male or male sounding voice coming from my apartment. After being jolted out of my sleep repeatedly by my neighbor's blasting shiurim, I appealed to her Rebbetzin for help.
The following is a section of our correspondence.
Message body
Judging from the end of your letter, you have an agenda that has deeper roots than the present issue. You no doubt have all sorts of issues with the frum community, coming from personal history that has nothing to do with [_name of neighbor____], and even less to do with me.
You have to separate your issues about the tape from your feelings about frum people (and I am more than happy to talk to you about, you obviously have suffered and no doubt have justified feelings about the world that I represent to you). [_______] doesn’t want to be a victim of what she considers to be both an annoyance an spiritual pollution. To her, spiritual pollution is as real as physical pollution. You don’t want to have to adjust your life to her reality. Her tapes are your version of “spiritual pollution”. It isn’t just the noise, but what it represents to you.
In order to find a solution, there has to be MUTUAL respect. That means that you have to be willing to show the same level of respect for her integrity, beliefs, and desire for privacy as you would like her to extend to YOUR integrity, privacy and belief system. If you would like to call me together with her to find a solution (which invariably would leave neither of you completely satisfied) it is only worthwhile doing so if you can express yourself with respect for her, me and yourself. Your right to privacy and to not be “invaded” is neither more nor less basic than her rights to the same.
All the best to you,
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Saturday, June 04, 2011
It's All In the Family- the new middle east and us
Seems like the Arab world, and our own brothers and sisters the Palestinians has discovered civil disobedience.
Isn't this the moment we've all been waiting for?
Haven't we've been saying for years, If only the Arabs would lay down their arms there would be peace?
I'm not so sure.
The friends and relatives I spoke to today seemed insistent that not only was change happening it never would happen, and was in any case impossible. Now maybe i'm wrong in my assessment but the point is, They were not only insistent but apparently dependent on the truth of the impossibility of it. They needed it to be so.
This is not too different from some of the intimate relationship we all have been in. (family, romantic).
There's a lot of people we kvetch, condemn and complain about.
Parents. We sadly tell our self righteous stories about them rejecting us and cutting us off.
Then what do we do when they make a step toward, such as a good yom tov call? Do we smile and greet them, or more often than not do we EXPLODE with accumulated rage?
What about our deadbeat boyfriend. We kvetch and complain and nag about him not getting a job, sleeping til noon and watching TV for the rest of the day. We circle help wanted and other such stuff which he ignores. But what do we do when he lands a business gig, although a different type and in a different way than we expected? do we express unreserved enthusiasm or do we just as often find ways to criticize and doomsay the new endeavor?
Relationships are patterned like a dance; as dysfunctional as they may be they are predictable, we know our role, and the pattern has evolved to serve some need or another. So when our intimate partner takes a new step, a step we've been begging for all along, we are thrown out of balance. We are left with the choice to undermine them- (we deny, we increase the intensity of our previous behavior), or to strike a new balance of our own.
And Israel, being as we are in such an entangled, intimate relationship with our Palestinian brothers and sisters, what mold do we choose in the event that we get what we've long asked for. Do we seek to jog them back into the old mode by increasingly provocative and repressive activities so that we can respond in our old confident way? do we deny that anything is going on? Or do we move towards power sharing; and
can we welcome the uncerstain future with open arms?
Isn't this the moment we've all been waiting for?
Haven't we've been saying for years, If only the Arabs would lay down their arms there would be peace?
I'm not so sure.
The friends and relatives I spoke to today seemed insistent that not only was change happening it never would happen, and was in any case impossible. Now maybe i'm wrong in my assessment but the point is, They were not only insistent but apparently dependent on the truth of the impossibility of it. They needed it to be so.
This is not too different from some of the intimate relationship we all have been in. (family, romantic).
There's a lot of people we kvetch, condemn and complain about.
Parents. We sadly tell our self righteous stories about them rejecting us and cutting us off.
Then what do we do when they make a step toward, such as a good yom tov call? Do we smile and greet them, or more often than not do we EXPLODE with accumulated rage?
What about our deadbeat boyfriend. We kvetch and complain and nag about him not getting a job, sleeping til noon and watching TV for the rest of the day. We circle help wanted and other such stuff which he ignores. But what do we do when he lands a business gig, although a different type and in a different way than we expected? do we express unreserved enthusiasm or do we just as often find ways to criticize and doomsay the new endeavor?
Relationships are patterned like a dance; as dysfunctional as they may be they are predictable, we know our role, and the pattern has evolved to serve some need or another. So when our intimate partner takes a new step, a step we've been begging for all along, we are thrown out of balance. We are left with the choice to undermine them- (we deny, we increase the intensity of our previous behavior), or to strike a new balance of our own.
And Israel, being as we are in such an entangled, intimate relationship with our Palestinian brothers and sisters, what mold do we choose in the event that we get what we've long asked for. Do we seek to jog them back into the old mode by increasingly provocative and repressive activities so that we can respond in our old confident way? do we deny that anything is going on? Or do we move towards power sharing; and
can we welcome the uncerstain future with open arms?
Sunday, April 03, 2011
on bugs, matzas, and mikvehs
Every year I bake Matzas.
First I joined a kiruv organization on their annual matza factory trip, where we all joined the assembly line, rolled our sections of dough and passed it along.
Then, Last year I joined a Yemeni woman in her home, baking thick matzas in her Yemeni-imported gas oven. I watched as she needed the dough and plastered it to the sides of the oven, sticking her hand almost into the fire, admonishing me to keep moving, moving, reminding me to wash my hands, though she had never learned a single halacha at school.
This year I called her back; "We'd like to come again this year>"
"I can't, I'm working in the Satmar matza bakery for pay"
The Satmar bakery was a pleasant place and there was a large room full of women, yemeni and chassidish with rolling pins. The atmosphere in the room was calm and pleasant. The dough was handed to the women who passed it to eachother, rolled ,
A pleasant Chassidishe guy ran around supervising.
It was matzas but it wasn't the same.
after 18 minutes we all washed our hands. A hasidic girl turned to me. "Am I supposed to show my nails to someone?"
Not as far as I know, I said. After all this isn't a mikvah.
But I was wrong; a few rounds later one of the women came to spot check my hands. Ironically she also sometimes functioned as a mikveh attendant. Coincidence?
I know it seems odd to view Yemeni women as empowered. Married in their early teens with little say in the matter, but at least they were queens, artist, professionals in their own kitchens.
Reminds me of a frum advertisement I saw- Bug Checking Class Coming To Your Area!.... For men only????
The truth is that ANY Jewish housewife with a kosher kitchen is a ritual expert.
But without Rabbinic (or designee thereoff- the mikveh lady) approval they can't be trusted to know whether they are on their menstrual period or not, if there are bugs in there vegetables, or if their own fingernails are clean.
First I joined a kiruv organization on their annual matza factory trip, where we all joined the assembly line, rolled our sections of dough and passed it along.
Then, Last year I joined a Yemeni woman in her home, baking thick matzas in her Yemeni-imported gas oven. I watched as she needed the dough and plastered it to the sides of the oven, sticking her hand almost into the fire, admonishing me to keep moving, moving, reminding me to wash my hands, though she had never learned a single halacha at school.
This year I called her back; "We'd like to come again this year>"
"I can't, I'm working in the Satmar matza bakery for pay"
The Satmar bakery was a pleasant place and there was a large room full of women, yemeni and chassidish with rolling pins. The atmosphere in the room was calm and pleasant. The dough was handed to the women who passed it to eachother, rolled ,
A pleasant Chassidishe guy ran around supervising.
It was matzas but it wasn't the same.
after 18 minutes we all washed our hands. A hasidic girl turned to me. "Am I supposed to show my nails to someone?"
Not as far as I know, I said. After all this isn't a mikvah.
But I was wrong; a few rounds later one of the women came to spot check my hands. Ironically she also sometimes functioned as a mikveh attendant. Coincidence?
I know it seems odd to view Yemeni women as empowered. Married in their early teens with little say in the matter, but at least they were queens, artist, professionals in their own kitchens.
Reminds me of a frum advertisement I saw- Bug Checking Class Coming To Your Area!.... For men only????
The truth is that ANY Jewish housewife with a kosher kitchen is a ritual expert.
But without Rabbinic (or designee thereoff- the mikveh lady) approval they can't be trusted to know whether they are on their menstrual period or not, if there are bugs in there vegetables, or if their own fingernails are clean.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
find me
When my nephew was still a toddler
he played hide and seek
I'd go off to count to ten
and he'd go off and crawl under the table
same place every time,
And start shrieking,
"Find me! Find me!"
and pant with excitement, when indeed, I swooped under the table, and
Found him.
We all just wanna get found, even though by now, we're too mature and dignified to out and say it.
he played hide and seek
I'd go off to count to ten
and he'd go off and crawl under the table
same place every time,
And start shrieking,
"Find me! Find me!"
and pant with excitement, when indeed, I swooped under the table, and
Found him.
We all just wanna get found, even though by now, we're too mature and dignified to out and say it.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Why people convert to Judaism
From an anonymous comment by a self identified "lapsing ger":
"... Almost all share a need for community (an almost universal need in an era lacking in community), experience isolation and sense that they were "always different" (which is to say, they feel like everyone else...), a need for spiritual dimension (shared with many other rational people, etc) - judaism seems to offer all those things in one package, and people who will 'unconditionally' accept you and get you happily married. Oh - and you get to be an archetypal "Other" of great historical significance."
Comment by Ki Sarita:
The last statement is what I most relate to- being an archetypal "other" of great historical significance. I was born Jewish, of course, but I get such a charge out of that aspect that I kind of get why some people long so much to get in.
The chosen people theology popular amongst american fundamentalist christians also feeds into this mentality.
We all feel a sense of otherness, and people who are lucky enough to have been born into an "othered" group have something to hang it on, and more, have a postive outlet for it.
(Some do it to try to escape another othered group, but that's another issue)
Does it work? Lapsing doesn't think so:
"My view of the REALITY of such peoples feelings and drives is that for MANY of them, if not most, Judaism would not and will not salve their problems, will not actually fill the voids, will not make the best of them as people"
__________________
Comment by Ki Sarita:
I think so too. You can never escape yourself by becoming someone else. If you can't love yourself, the you who you were since the day you were born, can anything really help?
However, as lapsing continues: "the need for a mode of spiritual connection and expression beyond the personal, the sense of identity other than as an individual I think are also likewise very, very valid needs"
and in today's society which is so built upon the individual alone, although I oppose conversion, I kind of feel bad for those people who can't have their needs met. These are some of the things that are available to me within Judaism, and I don't have to believe in anything in particular to reap the benefits, having been born Jewish. I can take it or leave it as I choose, not like a convert.
I oppose conversion. It also threatens me because if Judaism becomes primarily a belief system, a religion like Islam or Christianity instead, than I'm out.
It also threatens everything I, as well as potential gerim, have to gain out of Judaism; if anyone and everyone can join at will than it's no longer a tribe, no more feeling of tribalism.
(I say this with a caveat because I think Islam breeds a sense of tribalism despite its huge size, a spread of Arabian culture. In fact I'm pretty sure that's why some people choose it.)
But once the converts are here I say there should be a concerted effort on the part of the mainstream community to marry them to born Jews, preferably born observant jews, becasue the only way that conversion can work is if they integrate into the peoplehood. Also otherwise they could form parallel communities with different ethos, interests, and weltenshaung (sp?).
Excuse me for rambling, will sort out this post later.
"... Almost all share a need for community (an almost universal need in an era lacking in community), experience isolation and sense that they were "always different" (which is to say, they feel like everyone else...), a need for spiritual dimension (shared with many other rational people, etc) - judaism seems to offer all those things in one package, and people who will 'unconditionally' accept you and get you happily married. Oh - and you get to be an archetypal "Other" of great historical significance."
Comment by Ki Sarita:
The last statement is what I most relate to- being an archetypal "other" of great historical significance. I was born Jewish, of course, but I get such a charge out of that aspect that I kind of get why some people long so much to get in.
The chosen people theology popular amongst american fundamentalist christians also feeds into this mentality.
We all feel a sense of otherness, and people who are lucky enough to have been born into an "othered" group have something to hang it on, and more, have a postive outlet for it.
(Some do it to try to escape another othered group, but that's another issue)
Does it work? Lapsing doesn't think so:
"My view of the REALITY of such peoples feelings and drives is that for MANY of them, if not most, Judaism would not and will not salve their problems, will not actually fill the voids, will not make the best of them as people"
__________________
Comment by Ki Sarita:
I think so too. You can never escape yourself by becoming someone else. If you can't love yourself, the you who you were since the day you were born, can anything really help?
However, as lapsing continues: "the need for a mode of spiritual connection and expression beyond the personal, the sense of identity other than as an individual I think are also likewise very, very valid needs"
and in today's society which is so built upon the individual alone, although I oppose conversion, I kind of feel bad for those people who can't have their needs met. These are some of the things that are available to me within Judaism, and I don't have to believe in anything in particular to reap the benefits, having been born Jewish. I can take it or leave it as I choose, not like a convert.
I oppose conversion. It also threatens me because if Judaism becomes primarily a belief system, a religion like Islam or Christianity instead, than I'm out.
It also threatens everything I, as well as potential gerim, have to gain out of Judaism; if anyone and everyone can join at will than it's no longer a tribe, no more feeling of tribalism.
(I say this with a caveat because I think Islam breeds a sense of tribalism despite its huge size, a spread of Arabian culture. In fact I'm pretty sure that's why some people choose it.)
But once the converts are here I say there should be a concerted effort on the part of the mainstream community to marry them to born Jews, preferably born observant jews, becasue the only way that conversion can work is if they integrate into the peoplehood. Also otherwise they could form parallel communities with different ethos, interests, and weltenshaung (sp?).
Excuse me for rambling, will sort out this post later.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Sunday, August 15, 2010
On the Sheitel v. Tichel controversy
My comment on another blog, on the common question on why it is ok for frum women to wear sheitels that actually look better than their hair:
There is a mistaken assumption underlying this post; and that is that head-coverings are all about modesty. They are not. Absent the symbolic value, their is nothing more intrinsically modest about a headcovering, in contrast to a long skirt or loose clothes.
They are symbols of A. Social status and B. sexual unavailability which among women go hand in hand; social class is based on sexuality.
Actually headcoverings do little to make a woman more modest.Therei is nothing Women of African descent often cover their heads with tichels, for comfort and convenience and to protect their hairdos, or sometimes, as decorative. They do not increase the woman’s modesty in any way. They do not make her any less sexually alluring.
In the frum community, we acknowledge as such, otherwise we would not differentiate between single and married women.
Head coverings have a long history in middle eastern cultures, ours included. In ancient mesopotamia, upper class women were required to cover their heads, while lower class women and prostitutes not only were not required but were actually forbidden to cover their heads under some stiff penalties. Thus we see that headcoverings serve as a marker of social status- but more, that social status amongst women is correlated with their sexuality.
In the modern middle east today, with the islamist resurgence, a related dynamic operates. Women who cover their heads are respectable, those who don’t are not and may sometimes even be sexually harrassed. Once again, we see the link between female respectability and sexuality.
In Orthodoxy today, we differentiate between higher status, unavailable, married women, and lower status, available single women. For all of you who have not had the great fortune of being a middle aged single in the frum community, you may think I exaggerate. Those of you who share my experience know I speak the truth.
Even women who are not particularly concerned with modesty, who go to shul in very short skirts, will nevertheless put some kind of makeshift covering on their head, while single women no matter how modestly dressed will not. Rather she is expressing her status, a status of respectability that a single has no right to claim.
That married woman is not expressing her modesty, but she is not being hypocritical. She is being quite consistent, since in contemporary American society, a sexually alluring appearance does not necessarily indicate sexual availability. In American law, a woman may not be touched against her will no matter what she is or is not wearing. In American society a display of sexual attractiveness is itself a mark of status rather than of shame, and may be worn strictly for that reason. (Of course this is but the flip side of the same dynamic).
Thus a glamorous wig, does not violate the spirit of the mitzva but is very much in consonance with it; the wig’s glamour is appropriate to the high status of the married woman. On the other hand, a single woman who would wear a glamorous wig would indeed be guilty of assuming airs that are not rightfully hers. And she doesn't even need a halacha to tell her that.
There is a mistaken assumption underlying this post; and that is that head-coverings are all about modesty. They are not. Absent the symbolic value, their is nothing more intrinsically modest about a headcovering, in contrast to a long skirt or loose clothes.
They are symbols of A. Social status and B. sexual unavailability which among women go hand in hand; social class is based on sexuality.
Actually headcoverings do little to make a woman more modest.Therei is nothing Women of African descent often cover their heads with tichels, for comfort and convenience and to protect their hairdos, or sometimes, as decorative. They do not increase the woman’s modesty in any way. They do not make her any less sexually alluring.
In the frum community, we acknowledge as such, otherwise we would not differentiate between single and married women.
Head coverings have a long history in middle eastern cultures, ours included. In ancient mesopotamia, upper class women were required to cover their heads, while lower class women and prostitutes not only were not required but were actually forbidden to cover their heads under some stiff penalties. Thus we see that headcoverings serve as a marker of social status- but more, that social status amongst women is correlated with their sexuality.
In the modern middle east today, with the islamist resurgence, a related dynamic operates. Women who cover their heads are respectable, those who don’t are not and may sometimes even be sexually harrassed. Once again, we see the link between female respectability and sexuality.
In Orthodoxy today, we differentiate between higher status, unavailable, married women, and lower status, available single women. For all of you who have not had the great fortune of being a middle aged single in the frum community, you may think I exaggerate. Those of you who share my experience know I speak the truth.
Even women who are not particularly concerned with modesty, who go to shul in very short skirts, will nevertheless put some kind of makeshift covering on their head, while single women no matter how modestly dressed will not. Rather she is expressing her status, a status of respectability that a single has no right to claim.
That married woman is not expressing her modesty, but she is not being hypocritical. She is being quite consistent, since in contemporary American society, a sexually alluring appearance does not necessarily indicate sexual availability. In American law, a woman may not be touched against her will no matter what she is or is not wearing. In American society a display of sexual attractiveness is itself a mark of status rather than of shame, and may be worn strictly for that reason. (Of course this is but the flip side of the same dynamic).
Thus a glamorous wig, does not violate the spirit of the mitzva but is very much in consonance with it; the wig’s glamour is appropriate to the high status of the married woman. On the other hand, a single woman who would wear a glamorous wig would indeed be guilty of assuming airs that are not rightfully hers. And she doesn't even need a halacha to tell her that.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
religion and relationships
I always believe religion shouldn't destroy relationships. And maybe I feel so strongly about that because it's destroyed every one of mine.
I didn't have a single person I could talk to. Not family, not friends. So little by little I ditched them all. My family relationships became polite superficial and meaningless, and in my early twenties I dropped ALL my friends.
The truth is I dropped some that I should have and could have stuck with. Some were people who sought me out. What could be better than that? I snubbed them because they seemed clingy to me.
(I have social difficulties to start off with, so that could be part of it.)
The problem is I didn't easily make new ones.
And got in a very bad habit of friend dropping. From the girl who wrote letters every week, I'm the one you never hear from, who feels closer to people on facebook I've never met than to people I've known my whole life. I pick up people but with very few exceptions, fade, drift, out of each other's lives as our geographical, philosophical, and whatever other kind of circumstances change.
The times I started to draw closer to my family I was met with such control freaky attempts (which is really not like them, except when it comes to religion) I turned around and ran.
Today reading those old letters I started to miss, miss, really miss, those kids I abandoned, my younger siblings. Now the one left abandoned is me.
And I don't know how to fix it.
I didn't have a single person I could talk to. Not family, not friends. So little by little I ditched them all. My family relationships became polite superficial and meaningless, and in my early twenties I dropped ALL my friends.
The truth is I dropped some that I should have and could have stuck with. Some were people who sought me out. What could be better than that? I snubbed them because they seemed clingy to me.
(I have social difficulties to start off with, so that could be part of it.)
The problem is I didn't easily make new ones.
And got in a very bad habit of friend dropping. From the girl who wrote letters every week, I'm the one you never hear from, who feels closer to people on facebook I've never met than to people I've known my whole life. I pick up people but with very few exceptions, fade, drift, out of each other's lives as our geographical, philosophical, and whatever other kind of circumstances change.
The times I started to draw closer to my family I was met with such control freaky attempts (which is really not like them, except when it comes to religion) I turned around and ran.
Today reading those old letters I started to miss, miss, really miss, those kids I abandoned, my younger siblings. Now the one left abandoned is me.
And I don't know how to fix it.
The aftermath of brainwashing
On a dusty shelf in the back of some closet somewhere there lies buried a box full of old letters, photos, cards, and faxes. This is my seminary box; a box I no longer look at; a box with hints to times of which I’m not proud; that point to a self that I’d rather not remember. Some are letters from me to my family, with the pro-kollel propagandist Divre Torah that I once found inspiring. Some are from my mom to me, in the name of the whole family of course, reporting sabbath table discussions on whom I might marry.
From a previous post, Outsiders (see sidebar)
So cleaning out my house today, I pulled out the old box after all these years.
Some of them are not as bad as I remember, some are.
Sometimes my own self peeks through timidly. Very timidly. Like objecting to people taunting Arabs in the old city. But sometimes I'm worse than the worse racist or biggest chenyuk.
None of the angst and depression that I was going through shines through, except one0
"I need help! The world is flat! Everything ends after this year- what do I do next!" Sadly I received no answer to that. (No one knew, of course, about my fantasy drawer with the college and peace corps brochures. Even I didn't relate to it as any more than a fantasy).
(Or the time I said, have you ever heard of a Rabbi who got angry when you disagreed with him? I was repeating what I was fed, not what I had experienced... Well, not usually angry per se, but dismissive in a manipulative way)
None of the brain fog I felt comes through. I sound so clear, and so passionate, and often at many times I was, to the point of being opinionated. Most of my doubts, and my fog were taking place on a subliminal level at the time.
I find myself wondering what to do with this box. If I suddenly died, would that be the legacy I left behind to my kids (if I ever have any)? The closedmindedness, brainwashed, party line spouter (usually). But I can't bring myself to throw it out. I've thought of adding my subsequent writings to the pile.
In some ways I've changed a lot. Mostly my opinions. But in someways I'm still the same person. Inside I'm still the seminary girl, hungry for understanding, knowledge, insight and connection. The offbeat, melodramatic one, the ham, the debater yet most often the loner. I'm Still Alice.
So its the opinions that I expressed, sometimes so vociferously that has changed. In some ways embarrassingly slow.
I'm amazed that I could have ever been so brainwashed. Even more amazed than at the fact that I got out.
But I didn't get out without a price.
The experience of having been brainwashed is still with me today.
I'm never secure of my judgement, never secure of my perceptions. Did that really happen? Did I really hear that? Do I really think that? I'm afraid to put opinions in writing, for fear I may change my mind, for fear I may relate to it 10 years from now as I relate to my seminary letters.
And every time I strike out on my own, as I am poised to do today, I hear a voice telling me how ridiculous and stupid I am to ever dare think I could, or have the right.
___________
For an amazing post on brainwashed, looking back, see this post by Hasidic Rebel.
From a previous post, Outsiders (see sidebar)
So cleaning out my house today, I pulled out the old box after all these years.
Some of them are not as bad as I remember, some are.
Sometimes my own self peeks through timidly. Very timidly. Like objecting to people taunting Arabs in the old city. But sometimes I'm worse than the worse racist or biggest chenyuk.
None of the angst and depression that I was going through shines through, except one0
"I need help! The world is flat! Everything ends after this year- what do I do next!" Sadly I received no answer to that. (No one knew, of course, about my fantasy drawer with the college and peace corps brochures. Even I didn't relate to it as any more than a fantasy).
(Or the time I said, have you ever heard of a Rabbi who got angry when you disagreed with him? I was repeating what I was fed, not what I had experienced... Well, not usually angry per se, but dismissive in a manipulative way)
None of the brain fog I felt comes through. I sound so clear, and so passionate, and often at many times I was, to the point of being opinionated. Most of my doubts, and my fog were taking place on a subliminal level at the time.
I find myself wondering what to do with this box. If I suddenly died, would that be the legacy I left behind to my kids (if I ever have any)? The closedmindedness, brainwashed, party line spouter (usually). But I can't bring myself to throw it out. I've thought of adding my subsequent writings to the pile.
In some ways I've changed a lot. Mostly my opinions. But in someways I'm still the same person. Inside I'm still the seminary girl, hungry for understanding, knowledge, insight and connection. The offbeat, melodramatic one, the ham, the debater yet most often the loner. I'm Still Alice.
So its the opinions that I expressed, sometimes so vociferously that has changed. In some ways embarrassingly slow.
I'm amazed that I could have ever been so brainwashed. Even more amazed than at the fact that I got out.
But I didn't get out without a price.
The experience of having been brainwashed is still with me today.
I'm never secure of my judgement, never secure of my perceptions. Did that really happen? Did I really hear that? Do I really think that? I'm afraid to put opinions in writing, for fear I may change my mind, for fear I may relate to it 10 years from now as I relate to my seminary letters.
And every time I strike out on my own, as I am poised to do today, I hear a voice telling me how ridiculous and stupid I am to ever dare think I could, or have the right.
___________
For an amazing post on brainwashed, looking back, see this post by Hasidic Rebel.
Monday, May 17, 2010
The Religion Triangle: My husband my daughter and me
My response to this dilemma
My opinion is that the standard of the more meykel parent is what should be the rule.
This is because the child retains the option to choose to be more machmir without being disloyal to the other parent, whereas the other way around there's no choice, so one parent's values (in this case you) gets compromised.
However, I would not pretend to agree with the rule if I didn't. It's a terrible thing to misrepresent yourself in your most intimate relationships, which includes parent- child relationships. If your husband absolutely insists and really can't come around to your point of view, I'd say, "daddy and I have sometimes have different opinions but we've decided that there is only one rule, and this is what we've decided it is."
(but remember, compromise is mutual... if you end up being the one always doing the compromising, something's wrong...)
You're also role modeling that people can disagree but still come to a practical modus operandi. You're also role modeling expressing your authentic self to her, and hopefully she will reciprocate. If you role model hypocricy than I agree with the commenter who said "congratulations, you have just taught her to sneak better."
Caveat: I'm neither a parent nor a spouse, and even if I was, all relationships are different.
My opinion is that the standard of the more meykel parent is what should be the rule.
This is because the child retains the option to choose to be more machmir without being disloyal to the other parent, whereas the other way around there's no choice, so one parent's values (in this case you) gets compromised.
However, I would not pretend to agree with the rule if I didn't. It's a terrible thing to misrepresent yourself in your most intimate relationships, which includes parent- child relationships. If your husband absolutely insists and really can't come around to your point of view, I'd say, "daddy and I have sometimes have different opinions but we've decided that there is only one rule, and this is what we've decided it is."
(but remember, compromise is mutual... if you end up being the one always doing the compromising, something's wrong...)
You're also role modeling that people can disagree but still come to a practical modus operandi. You're also role modeling expressing your authentic self to her, and hopefully she will reciprocate. If you role model hypocricy than I agree with the commenter who said "congratulations, you have just taught her to sneak better."
Caveat: I'm neither a parent nor a spouse, and even if I was, all relationships are different.
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